AH, THE ROMANTIC

CHANGING GUARD.

They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace -
Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
Police with guns were everywhere,
"They're here to make us safe, my dear,"
Says Alice.

They went down to the Underground -
Two men in jeans said, "You terrorist hound."
They put six shots into Christopher's head,
"My goodness, dear, I think you're dead,"
Says Alice.

The inquest found he had it coming -
He was clearly planning a suicide bombing.
His bear was suspiciously brown in hue,
"I never did trust that Winnie the Pooh,"
Says Alice.


SORRY, CHAPS.

(A spokesman for the Scottish Landowners has suggested that they might consider apologising to the Scottish people for the Highland Clearances.)
"Being a laird means never knowing how to say sorry."

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
We regret that they ever occurred.
Driving you off to the ends of the earth
Was a faux pas just too, too absurd.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
It was really just meant as a joke.
One moment your clachans were standing,
The next, they were going up in smoke.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
We hope you can now understand.
We wanted some wool for a sweater
And it all got a bit out of hand.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
It's just that we hadn't a sou,
Till the accountants came up with a smashing wheeze
For making things tickety-boo.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
It's a pity you didn't object.
But you all spoke that weird Teuchter lingo
So your feelings were hard to detect.

We're sorry the Clearances happened
And you had to live down by the sea.
But we're sure you can look on the bright side
And do a good cheap B and B.

We're sorry the Clearances happened
And the emigrant ships sailed away.
But we think it turned out for the best
Seeing the rugger your grandkids can play.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
But it's all part of Nature's great scheme.
We now to the hills can lift our eyes
Where our deer and our grouse roam supreme.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
But we don't intend being dispossessed,
Since we after all are conserving the land
And jolly well know what is best.

We're sorry the Clearances happened,
Since, like you, we're all patriots stout,
And we'll stand firm upon our green wellies,
Till we sell to some Arab or Kraut.

The Scottish landowning classes are unfortunately still alive and kicking. The sooner they are relegated to history, the better.

 

 

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